<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Rain and our colours by Showmeheaven</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25208923">Rain and our colours</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Showmeheaven/pseuds/Showmeheaven'>Showmeheaven</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>SKAM (Norway)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Childhood Friends, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Smut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:00:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>17,577</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25208923</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Showmeheaven/pseuds/Showmeheaven</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Isak and Even have known each other since they were little kids. They've grown up together. </p><p>In this story we get to see what happens when they finally confront their feelings for each other.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>128</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>SKAM Big Bang 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Rain and our colours</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This is my first Big Bang and I was SUPER lucky to be paired with the incredibly talented <a href="https://nevhada.tumblr.com/">nevhada</a> as the artist! She managed to create this GORGEOUS work of art for my story:</p><p> </p><p>  </p><p> </p><p>Please give her LOTS of love for it! I could not have been more fortunate with a partner for this story!</p><p>Thank you so much, friend!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“What’s your favourite colour?”</p><p> </p><p>Even’s lying on his back in the grass in the middle of a large clearing in the woods, picking apart a straw that he snagged on their way here and throwing away one piece at a time. Isak is baffled by the question and doesn’t know whether to address that or give Even the answer. So, it takes him a few seconds to reply.</p><p> </p><p>“Why?”</p><p> </p><p>He’s sitting cross legged next to Even’s head, facing him, and scrolling through his own Instagram feed, but he’s stopped now, wondering where Even is going with this.</p><p> </p><p>“I just don’t think you’ve ever told me.”</p><p> </p><p>He’s still not looking at Isak, but keeps tearing these small pieces off that straw and chucking them to the side. Isak makes a face and is about to contradict the statement wholeheartedly, but the truth is, when he thinks about it, he’s not even sure himself. He’s not sure they’ve ever talked about what his favorite color is. You’d think they had, given how long they’ve known each other. You’d think they knew everything there is to know about the other.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s favourite colour is green, Isak remembers, they’ve talked about that at least. When they were kids, Even would always have something green with him. It had been the colour of his mother’s eyes, Even had told him once, but Even doesn’t know that for sure as she died when he was still in diapers. Years before he and Isak met and became friends.</p><p> </p><p>Isak knows that favourite colours change in time. As people grow older, they like other things. But he knows that Even’s favourite colour will always be green.</p><p> </p><p>“I haven’t really thought that much about it,” Isak shrugs, except he has thought about it, probably over a thousand times since Even told him about his.</p><p> </p><p>Even stops what he’s doing, lifts himself up on his elbows and finally looks at Isak.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you saying you don’t have a favourite colour?”</p><p> </p><p>He looks so disappointed, Isak feels like he’s done something horrible for a second.</p><p> </p><p>“There’s nothing wrong with not having a favourite colour!” Isak frowns and it’s almost funny at this point, how shocked Even seems to be about it.</p><p> </p><p>“Everyone has a favourite colour, Isak,” Even states, matter-of-factly, as he lies back down, resuming his earlier mission of pulling apart the straw in his hands.</p><p> </p><p>“Well maybe I have one and I just don’t know what it is yet?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well-,” Even’s reply is cut short by a crack of thunder rumbling in the distance. They both fall quiet and turn to look at each other, then at the sky now getting darker as grey, ominous clouds draw closer. Like a scene from a film, a drop of rain lands on Isak’s cheek then, spurring him into action.</p><p> </p><p>“We should head back before it gets here.”</p><p> </p><p>Even doesn’t reply, but is already picking up their stuff and shoving it in the small backpack that they’ve brought with them. Isak grabs the blanket that they ended up never using, and just starts walking as Even zips up the bag.</p><p> </p><p>One drop turns into thousands by the time Even catches up with him and they both fall into a light jog.</p><p> </p><p>When they reach the halfway mark from their spot to the treeline, the sky fully opens above them, soaking them instantly, and moments later, a flash of bright light blinds Isak for a fraction of a second. They don’t even make another step before the crack of thunder rolls through the air. It almost feels like an earthquake reverberating across the open plain around them.</p><p> </p><p>Isak has always loved this kind of weather, has always been so fascinated by the inevitability of it. And the inconsequentiality of himself and human kind compared to it. Now, however, is the first time he’s ever felt scared because of it. It’s the first time he feels like it might actually hurt him.</p><p> </p><p>So, he grabs Even’s hand and shouts for him to hurry as he doubles their speed while they head for the trees and the safety of their cabin. </p><p> </p><p>Even with his long legs, Even has a hard time keeping up with Isak. Isak has always been faster than him, ever since they were little. Isak has always won every race they’ve had. Still, some part of Isak has always thought Even had let him win. The fact that it takes a crisis for Isak to realise that had not been the case would almost be funny. Disregarding, you know, the crisis.</p><p> </p><p>Another flash of lightning turns everything momentarily white as they’re only seconds away from the treeline and this time the thunder starts before the flash is even gone. </p><p> </p><p>The feeling of fear somehow feels wrong and misplaced within him because of his love for these kinds of things, but Isak knows, logically, that they were actually in danger out in the open field. He’s always felt like he’s had a healthy respect for extreme weather, but it’s definitely on a new level now.</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t stop once they break through the trees. He slows them down a little so that Even isn’t behind him anymore and he lets go of his hand, but he doesn’t stop. It takes a while for the next lightning to flash and Isak feels relieved when he doesn’t hear anything immediately after. This time it takes a couple of seconds before they hear the bouldering sound of the inevitable thunder cracking through the air and Isak’s relief is only heightened when he spots the cabin only about fifty meters in front of them.</p><p> </p><p>He slows down to a jog. The forest isn’t thick enough to keep the rain off them, so he still wants to get under a roof sooner rather than later. Even must feel the same way, because he doesn’t slow down at all and easily overtakes Isak now.</p><p> </p><p>Neither of them says anything as they reach the front porch of the cabin. Even gets there first and has already fished his keys out of his wet pocket and opened the door when Isak sets foot on the bottom step of the small stairs. He holds the door open for Isak to walk through first and closes it behind himself when they’re both inside.</p><p> </p><p>They’re both panting from the run as they step out of their shoes in the cramped entrance. Isak is about to go and get some towels from the bathroom when Even stops him.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, you’re gonna leave water all over the floor.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t get why that’s a problem.</p><p> </p><p>“So? We can just wipe it after.”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Even says and starts pulling his T-shirt over his head. “It can ruin the floor boards if we don’t wipe it right away.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak rolls his eyes. He wants to argue, but doesn’t. They’re both still out of breath and dripping and the wet clothes are starting to feel cold and uncomfortable against his skin. He averts his gaze from Even as he’s struggling to remove the drenched fabric, though, and ignores how it doesn’t do anything to calm the pounding in his chest.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine,” He sighs and starts pulling off his socks one at a time.</p><p> </p><p>They undress in silence. The atmosphere feels a little awkward now for some reason. It’s not the first time they undress in front of each other, but it still feels different this time. Isak can’t place what’s changed exactly. Granted, it’s been a while and it’s not like this is something they do a lot now that they’ve grown up. And even though Isak has had to do it with his back turned, at times, for his own good, it hasn’t felt loaded like this before.</p><p> </p><p>Isak deliberately doesn’t look at Even as they shed their clothes, leaving them in a joint pile in the middle of the hallway, but focuses solely on getting out of his soaking jean-shorts that he now regrets wearing because they’re sticking to his skin like they are spandex.</p><p> </p><p>In his peripheral vision, Isak can see Even pulling off his socks just as Isak manages to wrestle his ankle free from his shorts leg. Even picks up the wet pile of their clothes and Isak quickly drags off his shirt and puts it on top of the pile.</p><p> </p><p>They both stand there for a second, just looking at the clothes as Even shifts them from both hands to only his left one, and when Isak finally dares to lift his gaze, he finds Even’s already looking at him, smiling. Isak can’t help but smile back, warmth spreading through him and making him feel less tense immediately. It’s always been this way with Even, things never stay weird for long and it only ever takes his smile to make it all better.</p><p> </p><p>Isak didn’t really think about why Even freed his right arm from carrying the pile of their clothes. It’s only when that hand reaches for his neck that he even notices it happened at all. Even’s smile fades then, making room in his eyes for what Isak thinks, or hopes, might be longing. </p><p> </p><p>Isak can do nothing as Even leans in to kiss him. It doesn’t feel like he’s entirely present for it. His eyes fall close and he definitely kisses Even back, but it kind of feels like Even’s lips somehow pushed Isak’s consciousness out of his body.</p><p> </p><p>He can still feel everything, though.</p><p> </p><p>The coarseness of Even’s chapped lips against his own. Even’s thumb stroking his cheekbone gently. Drops of water from Even’s hair dripping onto Isak’s face and mixing with the ones already there.</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels it when Even pulls away, can hear him mumble something softly against his lips before the pressure of his hand leaves Isak’s skin. But he’s still confused when he opens his eyes and Even isn't there anymore. </p><p> </p><p>Isak turns around then and only just catches sight of Even, in nothing but his underwear, as he’s rounding the corner leading to the hallway where the bathroom is located. He stares at that corner, even though Even probably already reached the bathroom by now. His mind still blank and disoriented. What did he just say?</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>I love you</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It definitely wasn’t ‘I love you’. They don’t say that to each other. It’s not something they say. It has always been <em>the </em>thing that they don’t say. Even though Isak always has. He has always loved Even. Has always loved him as more than what they were and are and always have been. But he hasn’t said it, because they don’t say that.</p><p> </p><p>Except Isak did say it once. Years ago, when he was barely a teenager and had just spent weeks figuring out why it hurt so much that Even was dating a girl from his class. He had let it slip after holding it in for days upon realising it. After Even had spent those same weeks asking Isak what was wrong on a daily basis. He had whispered it helplessly to the floor while Even had been standing right in front of him. </p><p> </p><p>Even had gone still when the words had been out of Isak’s mouth and Isak couldn’t have looked up to face the disappointment in those blue eyes if his life had depended on it. But Even had taken two long steps and embraced Isak and Isak had been forced to choke down a sob at the relief coursing through him the moment he had felt Even’s shoulder against his face. </p><p> </p><p>Then Even had whispered words back to him that had shattered Isak in ways he will never forget. </p><p> </p><p>“I wish you didn’t.”</p><p> </p><p>It had taken a month for them to talk again after that. Not for Even’s lack of trying, but Isak had needed that time to piece himself back together again, and when he had, he had known it was not something that they said. So, he buried it deep and kept it safe and they never spoke of it again.</p><p> </p><p>Until now.</p><p> </p><p>Except no, because that can’t have been what Even said.</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels his consciousness return full force then, and it is not happy. It has him marching after Even with quick, determined steps and slamming open the bathroom door. Making the mirror shudder from the sudden impact against the wall next to it.</p><p> </p><p>“What the fuck, Even?”</p><p> </p><p>Wide blue eyes stare back at Isak from beside the clothes rack. Even clearly doesn’t know what to do with himself because he just stands there looking all unsure, fiddling with the clothes he’s just finished hanging up to dry. He even flinches a little as Isak enters the small room. And yeah, maybe slamming the door was a bit dramatic, but it wasn’t something Isak felt he could control at the time.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s reaction helps him calm down a bit, at least, and Isak apologises as he approaches Even more carefully now, still waiting for an explanation. However, enough time passes that Isak starts to think Even doesn’t have one.</p><p> </p><p>“What just happened?” Isak pushes nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five seconds pass before Even replies.</p><p> </p><p>“I kissed you.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak rolls his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you kiss me?” Isak asks flatly, annoyed by the way Even always stalls their conversations like this, by stating the obvious, when he doesn’t know what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“I wanted to?” Even asks, like Isak is supposed to tell him whether or not it’s the right answer.</p><p> </p><p>Isak only stares at him, dumbfounded. It’s not like he can confirm or deny anything for Even here.</p><p> </p><p>“Was that a question?”</p><p> </p><p>Even sighs and steps away from the clothes rack.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” he admits, clearly resigning to having this conversation now. “And I meant what I said.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak watches as Even visibly collects himself and lifts his head to meet Isak’s gaze steadily now. This is how Even shows him that he’s not messing around, that this is serious. Isak clenches his jaw because he knows this gesture, has seen it before whenever they have had to have hard or uncomfortable conversations in the past. Like the time Even told him about his bipolar. Or the time Isak finally came clean about his shitty family situation.</p><p> </p><p>The significance of the gesture makes Isak travel back to the words Even had whispered just minutes earlier. He shuts it down immediately, though. He doesn’t think their friendship can survive it if he has to endure Even breaking his heart all over again. It’s a struggle to keep his heart from convincing his mind to hope again, even after suppressing it for so long already. But he just can’t afford it. He needs Even in his life, and hoping would put that in jeopardy.</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t respond, too preoccupied by his internal battle. Their eyes are locked with each other and Even is obviously waiting for some kind of reaction that Isak can’t provide him with at the moment.</p><p> </p><p>When Even takes a step towards him, Isak doesn’t visibly react, although he feels himself tense up at the next. His mind is telling him to do something, anything, to protect himself from what’s about to happen.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no doubt about what Even intends to do when he reaches Isak, it’s obvious in the way his eyes shift between Isak’s eyes and mouth as he approaches. Isak’s breathing quickens and he feels his hands tighten into fists at his sides as he abandons trying to hold Even’s stare and instead lets his eyes fall close in anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>Then there’s a whiff of Even’s breath against his cheek that makes Isak’s lips part all on their own. There’s warmth radiating from Even’s presence in front of him and Isak knows the science behind it, but he still feels like it’s Even’s soul trying to calm his own. There’s Even’s hand finding its way back to Isak’s neck, fingers sliding into his hair and making him let out an audible, shaky sigh against his will. There’s Even’s voice whispering his name close enough that Isak can feel the faintest brush of Even’s lips against the corner of his own mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Isak still tries to keep himself in check as Even’s lips brush his own, only lightly at first, waiting carefully to gauge Isak’s reaction. He tries to keep entirely still and not give in to the want coursing through his body. But eventually it becomes clear that his heart has already won this battle and his body gives in before his mind does, but it doesn’t matter because fuck everything else but this.</p><p> </p><p>Even makes a small sound of relief when Isak finally reacts and kisses him back. It’s not this epic moment where they both meet in the middle and their lips just magically slide together all beautifully. It’s a bit clumsy and slow and Isak feels like his heart breaks a little every time their lips connect. But it’s the desperate kind of hurt that you can’t help but crave even though you know it’s going to break you in the end.</p><p> </p><p>But, when Even sighs his name and repeats <em>those words</em> against Isak’s lips a few seconds later, Isak is done.</p><p> </p><p>“No.” The word leaves Isak’s mouth without him consciously choosing to say it. It’s barely above a whisper.</p><p> </p><p>He pushes Even back a step and retreats several himself, without looking at him. He turns, walks back into the direction that he came from and doesn’t stop until the chill summer rain against his bare skin makes him feel like he can breathe again.</p><p> </p><p>Eyes closed and his back to the cabin, Isak stands there for a few moments just breathing deeply to try and regain some semblance of control. He can hear the door opening again after he slammed it shut barely a minute ago. Focused on his breathing, Isak is acutely aware of Even’s presence on the porch behind him. </p><p> </p><p>Even doesn’t say anything at first and Isak imagines him resting his forearms on the railing, looking at Isak with that worried, but hurt look in his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Can we talk about this?”</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five seconds pass and Isak opens his eyes, his breathing slowing down little by little as he feels more and more in control of himself. He doesn’t know what to say. ‘No?’ ‘What’s there to talk about?’ It’s what’s waiting on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t say it. It’s what he would have said if he’d been able to stop Even from kissing him. If he had been able to ignore what Even had said right after. If he hadn’t allowed that seed of hope to find somewhere to plant itself inside of him. But it’s there now, spreading, taking over more and more of his thoughts and planting more ideas and dreams around itself.</p><p> </p><p>Isak shuts it down. He clenches his jaw and buries it all in the darkest corner of his mind and hopes that it’ll stay there long enough for him to get through this unscathed. He turns his head slightly just as a flash of lightning lights up the air and the rain surrounding him.</p><p> </p><p>“How long?” He asks after the thunder rolls a few moments later.</p><p> </p><p>Again, Even takes forever to reply and Isak turns all the way around to face him. He was wrong about Even’s stance, but only by one out of three. Instead of resting on his forearms against the railing, Even’s leaning against one of the poles with his shoulder, arms crossed, wearing a white T-shirt and shorts now. The worry and the hurt in his eyes, Isak was right about. Except now there’s guilt there too. Isak doesn’t know if that was there all along, or if it’s there because of his question.</p><p> </p><p>“How long what?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels his control slipping again as anger wells up inside of him because Even knows damn well ‘what’.</p><p> </p><p>“Drop it, okay? I know you understand what I’m asking. How long have you loved me?”</p><p> </p><p>The words sound a lot calmer coming out of his mouth than they did in Isak’s head before he said them. And specifying the question like that does things to Isak’s insides that he can’t explain. </p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know.” Even’s voice is low, he drops his gaze and looks down at his feet as he speaks.</p><p> </p><p>Isak scoffs, disappointment rushing through him at Even’s bullshit reply, but it’s swallowed by another roll of thunder in the distance. This time, there is no flash of light that Isak can see.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t know, Isak,” Even repeats, a little bit louder this time as he pushes himself off the pole he’s leaning against. “It feels like it’s always been there, on some level.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak knows what Even means. It’s not like he can pinpoint the exact moment he fell in love with Even. Maybe it started when they first met, maybe later, he doesn’t know. He had spent weeks figuring out what those feelings were back when they had been younger, when those feelings had become too overwhelming for him to pretend they were platonic anymore. The difference, Isak suspects, is that he had told Even about them when he had known.</p><p> </p><p>“OK, but when did you know?”</p><p> </p><p>Even meets Isak’s gaze and his whole demeanor turns pleading. Like he’s begging Isak not to go there and it makes Isak want to roll his eyes in exasperation. This feels so typical. Whenever Even needs to talk about something, it usually ends up being up to Isak to drag it out of him. He knows then, the answer to the core of his questions. He knows Even had felt it too that time Isak had bared his feelings back when they had both been just barely teenagers. Still he had broken Isak’s heart as if it was one of his childhood toys. An important one, sure, but a toy nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>“You knew when I told you.”</p><p> </p><p>Even diverts his eyes again and leans, with both hands, back against the railing. He nods and looks down at his feet as he pretends to scrape at something on the porch with his right foot. Isak thinks he might be on his way to explain further, but that doesn’t stop him from speaking regardless.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s not okay, Even.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t know when or if he’s ever imagined this moment, having this conversation with Even, but he knows he never imagined it being like this. He feels remarkably calm in spite of these news. He’s upset, sure, but it’s the sad kind of upset, not the angry kind he usually feels.</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five.</p><p> </p><p>“I know that now.”</p><p> </p><p>“What happened?” Isak asks. He continues when Even doesn’t reply right away. “Why did you-,”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>- break me like that? If you loved me then, why did you break my heart, Even?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>He chokes on the question, a sudden wave of emotions rushing through him. It feels too raw, too much like confessing it all over again. It hangs there in the air between them nonetheless. Even knows what he meant to ask.</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you remember,” Even starts and then takes a step away from the railing, pushing himself upright and moving towards the stairs, “I think it was a month or two before that, before you told me,” he walks down the three steps slowly, one at a time, and Isak wishes he would look up at him, “I convinced you to run away with me?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak remembers and he confirms as much. It was what had prompted him to confront his feelings for Even in the first place.</p><p> </p><p>“I took you to that shabby, abandoned house in the woods by where you lived and we were gonna live there until we were all grown up and had jobs and could buy our own place.”</p><p> </p><p>Even steps into the rain then, letting it soak him all over again. He looks at Isak, finally, for confirmation on what he just said, and Isak gives it to him. Isak remembers everything from that day.</p><p> </p><p>“We spent the night there, remember?” Even’s smiling now, like this memory is precious to him. It’s precious to Isak as well, but he’s too busy wondering where this is going to return the smile. “We’d brought that blanket from your house to stay warm, but we hadn’t thought to bring anything to sleep on, so we had to sleep on the floor and it was so fucking cold, do you remember?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak just remembers Even holding him. </p><p> </p><p>“And then, the next day, we had bread for breakfast. You’d stolen some from your house. We didn’t care that it was just enough for one meal. It was homemade, your mom had made it just a few days earlier. And when we ate it, it made you think of her and it made you homesick, do you remember?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t remember that. He remembers the sweaty cheese Even had butchered and how they had both complained about the fact that there was no oven they could use to toast the bread.</p><p> </p><p>“But I convinced you that you were better off staying there with me, that I’d take care of you and bake more bread, so you didn’t have to miss her.”</p><p> </p><p>They only stare at each other for a few seconds before Even continues. </p><p> </p><p>“And then later, we were gonna have those canned meatballs for dinner that I’d stolen from my mom, but neither of us had thought to bring a can opener, so we used the bread knife and a rock that we’d found laying around and I ended up hitting your hand instead of the back of the knife.”</p><p> </p><p>Okay, Isak is starting to see where this is going. He’s not sure yet, but Even does this sometimes. He pulls away a bit because he thinks he’s not good enough or because he feels like he’s doing more harm than good. He remembers Even missing the knife and hitting the knuckle of his right index finger instead, scratching it enough for him to need to rinse it. It had hurt like hell and it had freaked Even out enough that he had made them pack up and go home. The pain had passed rather quickly for Isak after they had put a bandaid on it, but Even had been adamant that they go back anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Isak knows it had scared Even to hurt him, even though it hadn’t been serious. He hadn’t seen Even for a couple of weeks after, and he had known it was because Even had felt guilty about what had happened.</p><p> </p><p>It’s quiet between them and Isak waits for Even to continue. He counts to five again, and again, and again. It’s a thing, Even usually replies within those five seconds, but this time it takes three counts in Isak’s head before he does.</p><p> </p><p>“It was my first episode.” </p><p> </p><p>They’re standing close together now. Isak is looking at Even’s mouth as the words make their way into his head and his eyes find Even’s just as the realisation sinks in. He must look like one of those calculating memes because Isak remembers Even’s first episode, and that wasn’t it.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, you weren’t diagnosed until a year later, I remember.” It’s weird how Isak knows he’s wrong now, but he can’t help but argue anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“I told you about it a year later because that’s when I was ready to tell you,” Even defends himself. “Also the cat was kind of already out of the bag after I had bought you a lifetime supply of ketchup using my mom’s credit card.” Even tries to joke, but it falls flat.</p><p> </p><p>Isak has to admit that it makes sense, and he can’t help but feel hurt that Even hadn’t trusted him enough to tell him earlier. He understands why, though. He remembers how much Even had struggled with accepting it even a year later, how reluctant he had been to tell Isak even then.</p><p> </p><p>Even reaches for Isak’s hand then, holds it lightly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry,” he says again, quietly, and Isak notices, in the back of his mind, how they haven’t heard any thunder for a little while.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not mad you didn’t tell me,” Isak assures him, looking down at their hands. He even smiles a little as he looks back up into Even’s nervous eyes, “I get why it was hard for you, you don’t have to justify it.”</p><p> </p><p>Even returns Isak’s smile and for a bit they just stay silent, holding hands and exchanging glances.</p><p> </p><p>“It was after that,” Even says then.</p><p> </p><p>“What was?”</p><p> </p><p>“It was after we went to the abandoned house that I knew.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak’s mood drops again at the reminder of what they had originally been talking about. He sighs and lets go of Even’s hand, taking a small step away again. He avoids taking in the disappointment he knows must be covering Even’s features.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you get why I didn’t tell you that?”</p><p> </p><p>“No.” He shakes his head and knows there’s hurt shining in his eyes when he looks back at Even this time.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s face falls again and he looks a bit helpless, like he was hoping he wouldn’t have to explain it further.</p><p> </p><p>“Tell me,” Isak pushes when Even seems to struggle with his words.</p><p> </p><p>There’s no question that this is something that’s hard for Even to admit, Isak can plainly see the struggle going on inside of him and it makes him nervous as to what Even is about to say.</p><p> </p><p>“I was reckless with you,” he begins carefully. “It really scared me how easily I put you in danger.” </p><p> </p><p>Isak frowns and rolls his eyes internally, he had never been in any real danger. He knows that they would have gone back home eventually anyway when they ran out of food. It’s not like Even forced him to stay there either.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you know what I remember?” Isak says, quietly, then and waits for Even’s eyes to meet his own.</p><p> </p><p>“I remember you taking me away from the hell that was my house that day. I remember you taking care of me and making me laugh when I didn’t think I could. I remember you giving me most of the blanket and holding me the whole night so I wouldn’t be cold.”</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five.</p><p> </p><p>Isak pauses, seemingly to let Even process his words, but also to build up the courage to say what he wants to say next.</p><p> </p><p>“It was after that for me as well, that I knew. I didn’t realise it until a few weeks later, but that was what started it all, for me.”</p><p> </p><p>Even’s mouth molds into a small smile, then he sighs and looks away. Isak thinks he’s about to say something and so he hurries to continue.</p><p> </p><p>“And that morning, with my mom’s bread, was only a few minutes out of a whole day where I would have been feeling sad anyways. For me, running away with you that day was like having a break from all the drama that was going on in my family at the time.”</p><p> </p><p>Even’s looking back at Isak again now. Isak can tell he’s still not convinced and he hates it sometimes, how hard it can be to make Even believe the good things that Isak sees in him.</p><p> </p><p>“I feel like you’re romanticising it, though” Even suddenly says and it halts Isak’s thoughts. “I mean, you were just a kid then.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you serious?” Isak feels himself tense immediately up at Even’s words. “You, of all people, are telling me I shouldn’t trust my feelings?</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Even sighs again. “But, I mean, you know what it’s like, how fucked up it can get when it’s bad. I couldn’t put that on you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, Even, I know what it’s like. And I know you! I have known you like no one else, and I was there! Every single time, Even, I was there. I handled it. I can handle it. You don’t think I know it’s hard? You don’t think I break a little every time I see how deeply you can hate yourself? Just because you’re the one feeling it, doesn’t mean you get to decide what’s best for me. I get to do that, only me.”</p><p> </p><p>Suddenly they’re not talking about the day they ran away anymore and the fact that this is even up for discussion is just the drop that makes the glass run over. Isak is trying not to yell every single word coming out of his mouth, but he’s only partly successful. And Even just takes it. He nods, and he takes every angry word that Isak throws at him. </p><p> </p><p>Years. Fucking years that they could have been together if Even hadn’t decided he knew better. Years of Isak burying his love like it was a black stain on their friendship. Years of shame, and guilt and heartache that could have been avoided if Even hadn’t made that decision for both of them. Isak is seething with it, the unfulfilled potential of what they could have had. He knows it’s not helpful, but it has to come out, there’s no way he can keep it locked up anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, Even! All this fucking time. I can’t believe this!” Isak paces, walks back and forth a couple of times. Facing Even, then not facing him, and facing him again, and so on. He’s not even trying to calm down anymore. “You made me feel like I meant nothing to you because you thought I couldn’t handle your bipolar? That’s so fucked up, Even, I can’t even-. And why are you even telling me you love me now? Because suddenly you think I can? Like you’ve been testing me this whole time and now I’m worthy?”</p><p> </p><p>Even shakes his head, denying it immediately, of course he does, and Isak knows it’s not true. He knows Even would never. He’s angry and it’s making him spew out things to make Even feel as bad as he’s feeling himself. </p><p> </p><p>“Isak, you know I’d never do that.” </p><p> </p><p>It’s fucking annoying how calm Even sounds, but Isak can see the damage his words are doing, it’s all over Even’s face. Eyes pleading, like he actually believes Isak is thinking along these lines and Isak hates that.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, okay? Fuck!”</p><p> </p><p>“I get why you’re angry, I’m sorry. I’d take it back if I could.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know that too,” Isak sighs, his back to Even, and runs both hands over his face. His outburst felt good but he doesn’t feel better. Instead he’s stuck with this feeling of helplessness because he’s still angry and he doesn’t know how to stop. He wants to. He wants nothing more than to turn around and step into Even’s arms and stay there. Forever. They’ve literally just admitted to loving each other as more than just friends and Isak should be over the moon. They should be happy, holding each other, kissing desperately to make up for all the times they hadn’t dared to.</p><p> </p><p>“Can I hug you?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s out of Isak’s mouth before he can think to stop it. Even with his back turned, he can so easily picture the hopelessness that’s surely covering Even’s face and he knows in his bones it’s the last thing he wants Even to feel. Isak turns around slowly.</p><p> </p><p>One, two, three, four, five seconds pass before anything happens.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s nod is barely that, but Isak would have noticed it from anywhere. It might look reluctant to anyone else, but Isak knows it’s anything but. He knows the strength it sometimes takes for Even to accept these simple acts of caring from others, maybe especially from Isak.</p><p> </p><p>A couple of steps is all it takes and every bit of tension harboured in Isak’s body evaporates after Even buries his face in Isak’s neck and inhales his smell like it’s the only thing in this world Even needs. Isak can’t help but shiver at the warmth radiating off of Even’s chest against his own and he lets out a shaky breath as his eyes fall close.</p><p> </p><p>“I know you like no one else too,” Even mumbles against Isak’s skin. “I know I’ve hurt you even more than you’re showing me right now. I knew it then too, on some level, but I was too busy hating myself to really see it.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Isak whispers and turns his face to touch Even’s temple with his lips. He swallows, struggling a bit against the lump rising in his throat.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t hate myself right now, though.” Even continues and straightens himself to make them look at eachother again. “I see it now. I’m really sorry.” He puts one hand on Isak’s shoulder and the other on Isak’s face.</p><p> </p><p>Isak can’t bring himself to look at him for long. It’s too intense, having Even see right through him like this, like he’s made of glass, and he knows it’ll make him spill the tears he’s already fighting to hold back. So, he stares at Even’s chest and nods in confirmation of the apology. Even pulls him in again then, leaning forward to kiss Isak’s forehead, firmly, but briefly, before enveloping him in the tightest hug they’ve ever shared. Isak makes fists in the back of Even’s wet T-shirt and this time it’s him who gets to bury his face in Even’s neck and inhale his favourite smell in the world. It’s mixed with the smell of wet cotton, but it’s still Even in every way. Calming and exciting all at once.</p><p> </p><p>It’s unclear to Isak how long they stand there like that, but eventually he starts shivering a little bit. The rain has lessened to what Isak would classify as a light drizzle and the sky has turned a lighter shade of grey. It’s still warm out, but the light breeze is enough to make his wet skin and hair feel cold, regardless of how Even’s sharing his warmth with him.</p><p> </p><p>Even notices, of course, and immediately starts rubbing Isak’s skin with his hands. It does little to help as Even doesn’t fare much better himself in his soaked shorts and t-shirt.</p><p> </p><p>“Let’s go inside, hm?” Even whispers and Isak nods as his face leaves Even’s neck, already missing the contact. But Even doesn’t let him go entirely, his hand finds Isak’s as they let go of their embrace, and he entwines their fingers as they walk back into the warmth of the cabin once again.</p><p> </p><p>Back inside, Isak doesn’t quite know what to do with himself. The words are out there now. So many of the things they’ve both been holding back. But, what does any of it mean? Yes, the words are out, but they’re still in the air. Nothing’s been decided, nothing’s really different. </p><p> </p><p>Except everything is. They both know it. They’re never going to go back to the way things have been. Their relationship is changed irrevocably. Not because they love each other, but because they know now. </p><p> </p><p>Even leads them to the bathroom again as Isak contemplates their new destiny, or whatever it is that they have now. As the water heats, Even gets a towel out of the cabinet and throws it over the towel heater. He gives Isak a nudge when the water is warm and Isak steps under the spray slowly, letting his skin get used to the heat gradually. His eyes fall close as goosebumps spread over his body from every point of contact with the hot water. He waits for Even to join him and reaches for him when it takes too long, only to find out Even’s closed the shower door while Isak’s head was under the running water.</p><p> </p><p>Isak opens the door again, just barely, and peeks through it. Even’s still there, half naked again now, in only his boxers, like Isak. He’s hanging his wet clothes on the clothes rack with the ones he hung up earlier, his back is turned to Isak and the shower.</p><p> </p><p>“Even,” Isak utters quietly and Even turns. Isak holds out his hand in invitation and Even looks surprised for a second before he accepts. Their eyes lock and stay locked until Even joins Isak underneath the pouring water. Even’s eyes fall close then and Isak watches his mouth as it falls open on a sigh, and then his upper body as he reacts in the same way that Isak did himself a minute ago. Small shivers run through him as every hair on his body stands in attention to the warm sensations on his cold skin.</p><p> </p><p>Isak lets his fingertips touch Even’s chest only lightly. He traces the upper outline of his pectoral muscle. Even wraps his hand around Isak’s wrist and lets out another audible breath as Isak continues up to his collarbone, past it, and then lets his hand embrace Even’s neck. Isak pulls him in then, his eyes utterly transfixed by Even’s lips as they slowly come closer and closer to his own.</p><p> </p><p>It feels the same, mostly, when their lips connect this time. The same as the other two times they’ve kissed today, but still just a little bit different. It’s the same in the way that Even’s lips still feel chapped, yet soft, against Isak’s. In the way that they’re still both so careful and hesitant. And slow. It’s so incredibly slow. It’s different because this time Even’s the one holding back, even if it’s just a little.</p><p> </p><p>Isak gets it. Even has kissed him exactly two times, ever, and both times had made Isak angry with him. Although the kisses weren’t directly the reason for his anger, Isak can understand why it would make Even hesitate. But Isak doesn’t want Even to hesitate anymore, and he shows him by pulling harder at his neck and deepening the kiss. It works, and Isak mentally congratulates himself as he feels Even’s hands claim his waist and pull his whole body closer.</p><p> </p><p>It feels like a tangible turning point when Even gives in. No more uncertainty or doubt about whether or not the other really wants this. They know now. Both of them. The feeling of it isn’t instantaneous, though, it’s more like something building gradually through each touch and kiss that they share.</p><p> </p><p>Isak can’t help but smile at how Even’s lips chase his own as he pulls back for a second to take in just a little bit of the situation. Even opens his eyes and they’re all dazed as they stare at Isak’s mouth, clearly wondering why it left. When Isak’s smile registers with him, Even lifts his gaze to his and they end up smiling fondly at each other.</p><p> </p><p>“You love me,” Isak teases, but it comes out more like he’s marveling at the thought.</p><p> </p><p>“I do,” Even confirms, his smile turning softer.</p><p> </p><p>Isak’s smile drops after a moment as the next words make it to the tip of his tongue. He wants to say them. He wants Even to know, without a doubt, that he feels the same. But it doesn’t make it past his lips this time. Part of him tries to convey it anyway, tries to will it into Even’s head that he’s just not ready to say it again, that it hurt too much the last time, that he just needs a bit of time to really believe the truth of this, them, before he says it again. That it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t feel it too.</p><p> </p><p>There’s nothing but understanding in Even’s eyes as Isak searches his face for signs of disappointment or any kind of doubt.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Even whispers, his right hand coming up to cup Isak’s face and neck. It’s a bit overwhelming and Isak diverts his eyes to Even’s chest. “I know.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak looks back up then, just as Even leans in to place a brief kiss on his lips. Even knows him so well, better than he does himself, sometimes. It doesn’t help with the overwhelming feelings running through him, being understood so well and accepted so completely, but he feels a small rush of determination run through him at Even’s words. He can at least confirm what Even said. It’s enough for now.</p><p> </p><p>“Good.” </p><p> </p><p>He makes sure to look Even in the eyes after he says it and is met with yet another soft smile. This one affects Isak more than the last one, for some reason. It’s not new, Isak’s seen it before, but not from this angle. Not from this distance. So, in a sense, it is kind of new. A good kind of new. The best, actually.</p><p> </p><p>Isak leans in again, slowly, and nudges his nose against Even’s. It feels a bit like he’s the one in a daze now. His eyes follow Even’s lips as they close the distance between them yet again. His hands make their way to Even’s neck, one of them sliding into his hair as they kiss and kiss and kiss some more under the, still warm, water.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s tongue touches Isak’s upper lip and it sends tiny shivers running through Isak’s entire body. He draws a breath, deep, through his nose, and presses in closer, his own upper body now flush against Even’s. Even replies in kind and feeling Even starting to get hard against his hip sets Isak on fire instantly. He can’t help but push his own hips forward in response. Letting Even know they’re on the same page, finally.</p><p> </p><p>A second later Even has him pressed against the side wall of the shower and everything’s gone from tender and careful to hot and urgent. Isak keeps pulling Even in by the neck even though there’s really no need as Even meets his lips with the same fervor and desperation in his motions. Even’s hands fall, firmly, around Isak’s waist, moving up along his sides every now and then only to travel back down again, pulling Isak in closer and closer each time it happens.</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels like he should be more nervous than he is. He's expected his first time doing this to feel a lot more weird and awkward. He’s expected to not know what to do with himself if it ever came to this. Instead it feels like they’ve been doing this forever, or like they should have been and now that they finally are, it’s like the years they’ve both spent wanting to have taught them everything they need to know. Or maybe they were just always meant to get here, maybe it’s bigger than the two of them alone. Maybe.</p><p> </p><p>The train of thought is happening in the back of Isak’s mind while he and Even are all but consumed with each other. They’re fleeting thoughts coming and going as he’s not really able to focus on anything except Even’s lips and hands on him.</p><p> </p><p>He gasps, breaking their kiss, when Even’s hips grind into his own in just the right way. Slow and hard, putting just the right amount of pressure on his, still hardening, dick. He meets the thrust eagerly as Even continues kissing him at the corner of his mouth, then his cheek, working his way over to his neck. Isak’s hands slide all the way down Even’s back, wanting to make sure it feels equally good on the next push of their hips.</p><p> </p><p>He’s about to lose himself to the feeling of it, he knows it. And it kind of feels like Even already has. It’s no secret between them that Even is the more experienced one when it comes to sex. Isak doesn’t know the details, they haven’t talked about that, but he knows enough to be sure. Even’s had girlfriends. Plural.</p><p> </p><p>Even grabs his neck then, as his thoughts are about to pull him out of the bubble they’re in and send him down a different, less exciting road. He thumbs at Isak’s chin, lifting it to find Isak’s lips with his own. The kiss consumes Isak all over again. It’s wet and hot and it burns exactly right. It chases away every other thought in Isak’s head and replaces them with Even. </p><p> </p><p>Isak throws himself into it with everything he has now, determined to erase any and all thoughts of anyone else other than the two of them from both his and Even’s mind forever. He boldly lets his hands slide down Even’s back and under the waistband of his boxer shorts. He grinds against him, making Even moan into his mouth, before pulling away just enough to slide one of his hands to Even’s front.</p><p> </p><p>“Even.”</p><p> </p><p>Even’s breath catches and Isak marvels at how the muscles in Even’s lower stomach tighten at his touch. Even stops kissing him for half a second when Isak pushes his hand further down, letting his fingers run through the coarse hair below the waistband of Even’s boxers. Isak feels him against the back of his hand, warm and hard, and it spurs him to push Even’s underwear further down at his back. Even pushes his hips forward in response and Isak is rewarded with feeling a different set of Even’s muscles contracting under his fingers. </p><p> </p><p>Their lips are still connected, even though Even isn’t really able to return Isak’s kisses with the same, focused, intensity as before. He tries, Isak can tell, but he’s all wrapped up in anticipation. Holding Isak’s face in his hands, breathing hard against his lips whenever he doesn’t manage to lean in again to kiss them. His eyes are closed, Isak registers, barely, through his own heavy lidded ones and he suddenly wonders if he should have asked Even before going this far, before touching him like this.</p><p> </p><p>“Even,” He whispers again, softly, against Even’s lips, letting his nose caress his, carefully moving his hand back up a bit and flattening it against Even’s stomach, his fingertips still inside the waistband of Even’s underwear. “I really wanna touch you.”</p><p> </p><p>Even licks his lips and lets out a small laugh.</p><p> </p><p>“Isn’t that what you’re doing?”</p><p> </p><p>Then he pulls lightly at Isak’s neck, clearly eager to get their lips back together. Isak gives in automatically, his mind going blank for a few seconds as he falls back into it, forgetting all about what he wanted to ask. Only for a moment though. Even probably thinks he’s already answered it, but Isak needs to hear him spell it out now. Not just for the consent, but for confirmation. And for the few extra seconds it buys him to prepare for what it’ll feel like to touch someone else like that.</p><p> </p><p>“No, I-.” He pushes his hand back down inside Even’s boxers, slowly, and let’s his fingertips trace the first bit of skin on his dick that he can reach, just lightly. “I wanna touch you here.”</p><p> </p><p>Even gasps slightly as he touches him again and Isak feels his own dick twitch a bit in response.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck,” Even curses under his breath. “Yeah, okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s not really a question anymore, Isak knows it’s okay, that Even wants this. However, some of the nerves he was thinking about before, wondering where they were, are now making themselves known, and it’s harder to feel as confident as he had felt a minute ago. He still lets his hand travel further down, letting his fingers trace more of Even’s warm skin.</p><p> </p><p>“Please.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak’s breath stutters at the underlying desperation coating Even’s voice. It’s raw and deep and altogether new as it reverberates through every single cell in Isak’s body. There’s no hesitation after that. No questions or unwelcome thoughts as he turns the two of them around to press Even against the wall instead of him.</p><p> </p><p>Even’s hips move again the second Isak’s fist closes around him and he moans into Isak’s mouth at the pressure. Isak thinks he can actually feel the relief coursing through Even in that instant. Or it might be his own, he doesn’t really care. He keeps a steady pressure and strokes Even a couple of times, slowly. Even’s breathing grows heavier, deeper, with every pull, and he seemingly can’t help but meet Isak’s hand with these small thrusts of his hips.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, this is so hot.” Even opens his eyes as the words leave Isak’s mouth. His head falls back against the wall and he moans again as Isak tightens his grip for a second. Isak leans in and kisses Even’s neck sloppily, and then continues in between “You’re so hot.” More kisses. “I feel like I could come just from watching you.”</p><p> </p><p>Even lets out a breath at that and Isak pulls back to see him smiling slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Please don’t.” Then he licks his lips and swallows before he lifts his head back up and his eyes meet Isak’s. “I wanna blow you after.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s all Isak can do to keep stroking Even as those words sink through and those hands pull him in again. Even kisses him all intense then, his tongue immediately searching for Isak’s, only to trace it gently before pulling back and then doing it all over again. The mental image of Even on his knees in front of him, in all possible variations, is enough to make Isak tremble with restraint from not grinding himself against Even until he comes right there and then.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck,” he chuckles, partly to calm himself down. “That image is not helpful then.”</p><p> </p><p>Even chuckles too and for a moment it feels absurd to be laughing while Isak is literally pumping Even’s dick, but it only lasts for a few seconds.</p><p> </p><p>“What, me getting on my knees for you?” It’s such an obvious tease, but it works and Isak nearly moans thinking about it again. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted to?”</p><p> </p><p>A small breath escapes Isak then and he briefly forgets every thought he’s ever had. Even’s tone had been teasing at first, but by the end of the question, Isak could hear how sincerely he had meant it. His smile drops and his eyes lose focus and the next time their lips meet Isak’s tongue is the more eager one.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not until he tastes the water running down his face, slipping into his mouth in between kisses, that Isak realises Even’s moved them from the wall and back under the spray again. The hot water is distracting enough to ground him a little and he’s able to focus more on Even and what he wants him to feel. Which is hot. And so he tightens his grip and strokes him harder.</p><p> </p><p>The fabric of Even’s underwear soon becomes annoying and so Isak uses his free hand to pull it down, little by little as he manages, until Even’s able to shimmy it all the way off on his own. Isak’s hand then finds its way to Even’s hip, adding a whole other level to his own experience. Feeling Even’s glutes tighten right underneath his fingertips with every push forward of his hips, combined with the sharp edge of Even’s hip bone digging into his palm makes him feel like his own skin is on fire and like every drop of water drumming against his body is there just to keep him from combusting. Feeling the way Even’s thrusts grow more and more determined, how he starts to shiver just slightly with every push as Isak adds more speed to the already tight pressure. He aches to rub himself against Even just a little, to have some relief for the fire building in his groin. </p><p> </p><p>Doing this, though. Making Even come undone with just his hands. Being this clear cause of pleasure to him. It goes beyond anything Isak has ever been able to imagine before. It makes the fire in his heart shine so much brighter than the one between his legs. He wants nothing more than for Even too keep showing him how good he’s making him feel.</p><p> </p><p>Isak knows he could end this rather quickly if he wanted to. He knows it wouldn’t take much more than a tighter grip and a bit more speed to push Even over the edge in a matter of minutes. At least that’s what Even’s reactions are telling him now, not that he has anything to compare it to. It’s just a feeling he has. He feels sure about it though, somehow, and he realises he wants the exact opposite. He wants to have Even like this for as long as he can. </p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, I wanna watch you like this forever.”</p><p> </p><p>Even breathes hard and licks his lips when Isak slows down his hand around him and Isak watches his lower one as it drops down after, like it was an effort to bring his lips together in the first place. It’s glistening and wet and plump and perfect. Isak doesn’t even think as he leans in to run his tongue over it. He strokes Even one more time, slow and tight, before stopping at the base of his dick and keeping the pressure there as he lets his tongue slip inside Even’s mouth, kissing him like he’s only ever imagined in his most inappropriate fantasies. It feels anything but shameful now, it feels hot and slick and fantastic and the noise it coaxes out of Even makes Isak proud to be the cause of it.</p><p> </p><p>He does it again a second later, before letting his hand travel back up Even’s dick slowly and deliberately. When he draws circles through Even’s foreskin with his index finger, right underneath the head, it makes Even’s breath catch against his own. He deepens the kiss again on the downward stroke, matching the slow speed of his lips and tongue with the speed of his hand.</p><p> </p><p>Isak does this a few more times before increasing the speed a little bit again, by which time Even has started to tremble lightly, probably from the tension in his legs.</p><p> </p><p>Even palms him then, through his underwear, and Isak almost stops everything he’s doing. His eyes fall close, his breath hitches and his jaw drops at the intense feeling of relief the friction is finally giving him. His mouth stops moving against Even’s and he barely manages to keep his hand closed around Even’s dick.</p><p> </p><p>His reaction affects Even too, making him pull hard at Isak’s hair with his other hand and force their lips back together again. He adds to the pressure, making Isak moan weakly as his control crumbles with every stroke from Even’s hand. If he gives in to Even’s touch now, he knows he won't be able to continue what he’s doing.</p><p> </p><p>“Stop.” </p><p> </p><p>He barely gets the word out against Even’s lips, it’s barely above a whisper, but Even stops immediately. His eyes open in alarm, clearly worried he’s overstepped some invisible line. Isak kisses him immediately to reassure him. </p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, I just can’t focus when you do that.”</p><p> </p><p>They both chuckle a little and Even obediently moves his hand away from Isak’s aching dick. It’s almost painful how much Isak wants it back, but he doesn’t say that. Instead, he walks Even back a step, making his back hit the shower wall again before capturing his lips in a bruising kiss to get them back on track.</p><p> </p><p>“This okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels he should ask since Even was the one who moved them from the wall before.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Even replies, letting his mouth travel away from Isak’s for a moment to place hot, wet kisses on his neck instead, “just cold.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak then presses his whole body against Even to warm him, making Even smile as he brings his lips back up to Isak’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Mm, better,” Even mumbles into Isak’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p>It gives Isak less freedom to move his hand as he pleases, but it’s worth it to be this close together. To feel Even’s wet skin move against his own as his hips move in time with Isak’s hand. It also makes it harder for Isak to not grind his own dick against Even’s hip when he can feel them rub together just lightly with every thrust. A couple of times he just can’t help himself and every time it’s like hell to draw back and keep his focus on Even.</p><p> </p><p>Even, whose breaths are getting heavier again, whose lips keep faltering against Isak’s as they kiss, who eventually gives up on kissing and lets his head fall back against the tiled wall and moans. He’s getting close again, Isak thinks, and for a moment pure pride rushes through him at being the cause, but then it’s hard to not be affected by it all. He notices his own breathing matching Even’s without him consciously trying to, his movements are now matching Even’s and not the other way around.</p><p> </p><p>He still doesn’t want it to end. Even is so gorgeous like this. Isak had meant it when he had said he could watch him like this forever. He moves to slow things down again.</p><p> </p><p>“No, don’t!” Even grabs him by the neck and kisses him hard. “Keep going, please, fuck, it’s so good.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak is helpless to Even’s plea. He doesn’t even think, he just goes right back to what he was doing, tightening his grip a little.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, fuck!” Even gasps and kisses him again.</p><p> </p><p>It’s like the easiest thing in the world to just go with it now and let Even tell him what to do with his body. Words aren’t really necessary, it’s mostly body language, like Even’s hips stuttering a little, his breath hitching against Isak’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels it the moment Even begins to shatter. It’s mesmerising and Isak feels like he can’t miss a single second of it. Their lips part and Even’s grip on his neck tightens, keeping their foreheads pressed together tightly. His breath quickens in time with the thrusts of his hips and Isak matches every movement with his hand as well as he can. His sole focus being to continue whatever he’s doing that’s making Even completely fall apart like this. </p><p> </p><p>Isak’s now wide eyes fall on Even’s lips as his name starts falling over them repeatedly, more or less soundless, at first. Despite his desire to see it all, Isak has to close his eyes for a brief moment to take it all in and remind himself that this is real. It feels so much like a dream come true, that he’s having trouble believing the ‘true’ part.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, Isak,” Even barely manages then, and it’s surrounded by heavy breaths and sounds that Isak has only heard before in his imagination.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes fly open immediately, as Even throws his head back, and all Isak can see, for a second, is his long neck. His Adam's apple bobbing as he tries to swallow in between breathing so hard and fast. A quick adjustment and he’s able to look down at where he can feel Even’s dick grow impossibly harder. And then he comes.</p><p> </p><p>His hips stutter against Isak’s hand as white, hot liquid spills from his tip, onto both their stomachs and over Isak’s fingers. Isak can’t look away. In all his life, the countless times he’s done this to himself, he’s never really thought to look. Even if he had, he’s reasonably sure this sight would put it all to shame.</p><p> </p><p>Even wraps his hand around Isak’s wrist, guiding him through the last couple of strokes as Isak can only watch in awe.</p><p> </p><p>“Stop, stop,” Even mutters a moment later, even though he’s the one still guiding Isak’s hand. Isak loosens his grip as much as he can underneath Even’s fingers and finally looks away as the last shivers run through Even’s body. His head is still thrown backwards against the wall and so Isak takes a step forward, releasing Even’s softening dick completely, and embraces him. Kissing his neck lightly while pressing his own body in close again for warmth.</p><p> </p><p>Even moves then, just a little. His head coming forward, lining his back up with the wall. His hands move up Isak’s sides and his arms fall around his shoulders. They hug like that for a while, Isak doesn’t know how long, but the water turning colder is what makes them move again.</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels Even’s hands suround his neck and pull him back just enough for them to kiss lazily. He lets his own hands move up Even’s sides and eventually circle his forearms as their lips part and their eyes meet again. It’s hard to know what to say in this situation and it’s almost too intense to look directly into Even’s eyes like this. But Even smiles then and Isak can’t help but join him even as the smile turns into a grin and then laughter.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re out of hot water, I can’t blow you in here,” Even whispers against Isak’s ear some more laughter and a few, soft kisses later.</p><p> </p><p>Unlikely as it sounds, Isak hasn’t thought about his own, aching dick since Even came. The way Even had traced his lips along Isak’s cheek on his way to his ear had been the first reminder, and the words following that had easily reignited the fire entirely. As Even pulls back, Isak already feels dazed, unable to focus on anything but those lips. He knows how soft they feel against his own now. Imagining them closing around the head of his dick nearly makes him moan.</p><p> </p><p>Even cups his face and kisses him then, deeper and with more intent than Isak had expected at this point. It takes him a bit off guard and the moan he had managed to keep under control only seconds ago finally escapes him. Several others then follow as Even keeps kissing him and brushing his tongue against his upper lip, making no move to actually exit the shower, despite claiming they’d have to.</p><p> </p><p>Isak just goes with it, letting Even decide where they’re headed now and how they’re getting there. He surrenders to his body, letting it do and feel whatever it wants. It’s not a conscious choice, it just happens. There’s no room for thinking as long as Even keeps kissing him like this. His eyes have closed several moments ago and they only open now because Even’s lips leave his and he can’t figure out why. It’s only half a second before they start kissing down his neck and chest and Isak can almost feel the smile on them, mocking him for his impatience.</p><p> </p><p>It’s a weird thing to get stuck on now, but he wonders whether Even really noticed his confusion in that moment and if the smile he imagined kissing his chest was real.</p><p> </p><p>Isak’s head drops down the second after Even’s knees hit the tiles in front of him. It’s impossible to keep up even though it doesn’t feel like they’re rushing at all. His hands were on Even’s shoulders, but he’s moved them now, to Even’s neck and hair. It’s hard not to push or nudge, make him go where Isak wants faster. He ends up just watching and breathing and restraining himself as Even explores his lower abdomen with his lips.</p><p> </p><p>But Even doesn’t drag it out and only seconds later he pauses, his eyes shifting up to Isak’s, making Isak’s heart skip a beat in the process.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay?” Even bends his knees more, sinking lower while still keeping eye contact with Isak. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” it comes out a bit squeaky and so he tries to swallow and hark a bit to make it better. “Fuck yeah.” Better. His eyes fall close for a moment as the words make it past his lips and when he opens them Even’s eyes have gone from asking to teasing.</p><p> </p><p>It gets harder to breathe as Even’s hands drop below Isak’s hips, his thumbs tracing the sensitive skin that separates his thighs from his stomach. It makes Isak shudder and move enough to feel how cold the water has gotten now. He jerks forward then, making Even startle and almost hit his head on the wall. Isak quickly turns it off before he apologises.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>Even just laughs and Isak tries to join him but it ends up being kind of half-hearted. He’s so on edge right now, so ready, so fucking turned on it almost hurts. He needs to come, and he probably will the second Even’s lips touch his dick.</p><p> </p><p>Even must realise because one of his hands circle Isak’s base then, squeezing a little as he leans in and places wet kisses on Isak’s lower stomach again. He uses his thumb to push Isak’s dick up, closer to his mouth. Isak has to steady himself against the wall behind Even, drawing his breath in anticipation.</p><p> </p><p>He curses, breathing hard, just as Even’s lips are mere centimeters away from his head. Even looks up at him, and instead of putting his lips around him, he pulls back Isak’s foreskin enough to expose the head completely. He does it slowly and Isak watches as he then opens his mouth and lets his tongue gently brush the underside.</p><p> </p><p>Isak gasps and closes his eyes, his elbow quivering, nearly giving out already.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, it’s gonna be two seconds, Even, just saying.” </p><p> </p><p>Even pauses then, Isak can feel his tongue leave the underside of his dick and he instantly regrets saying anything. Then he feels Even’s hand against his chin and immediately opens his eyes to find those blue ones staring back so lovingly. He’s reaching up, still holding Isak’s dick in his other hand, but ignoring it for now.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey relax, okay? It’s fine.” Even’s voice is calm and grounding. Isak feels himself calm down a little right away. “Whatever happens is fine, I promise, I got you.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak turns his head slightly and kisses Even’s finger before he nods in confirmation.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>They smile at each other for a brief second before Isak closes his eyes again and takes a deep breath. He kind of expects Even to just get back into it and so he opens his eyes again after a moment when he doesn’t. Turns out Even’s waiting for him, waiting for eyecontact to make sure it really is okay, Isak assumes. It makes him smile and marvel at how thoughtful Even is. Which, granted, he already knew, but it still feels like new knowledge in this situation. He brings his right hand down to Evens face, his middle finger sliding just past the hairline in his neck, and runs his thumb across his cheek, then his lips. Even opens his mouth, slightly, and lets him marvel. Just like that he’s mesmerised and can’t look away even if he wanted to.</p><p> </p><p>Isak watches as Even opens his mouth wider, slowly leaning in closer and bringing Isak’s dick back up to his lips. He moves his thumb then, but doesn’t let his hand leave Even’s face. He feels, more than sees, Even’s tongue touching the underside of his dick again. This time he’s more prepared for it, but he still breathes a bit harder as it happens. </p><p> </p><p>Even licks him like that a couple of times and Isak bites his bottom lip as he watches to keep his jaw from dropping. He’s torn between closing his eyes to regain some control and the fear of missing a single second of seeing Even like this. The choice is made for him when Even’s lips close around his head. His eyes fall close instantly as he feels how close to the edge he really is. He moans, brokenly, and his hand makes a fist in Even’s hair as he fights to keep standing still when Even’s tongue presses against his head again. He can feel the pressure tightening as Even starts sucking him, lightly, and it’s almost too much to handle. There are sounds coming out of him now that he knows he’s never made before in his life and he’s too far gone to even care.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a low hum coming from Even’s throat as he draws back and his lips slide, tightly, over Isak's head before he pops off and mumbles something Isak doesn’t hear. It’s impossible to keep his hips entirely still as Even starts gliding his hand up and down Isak’s shaft, slowly, and then circles his dickhead a couple of times with his tongue before taking him in his mouth again. It’s impossible not to pull at Even’s hair at the same time. The real struggle is keeping those movements small so he doesn’t end up choking Even.</p><p> </p><p>Even, however, doesn’t seem to have the same concern as he moves his other hand from Isak’s thigh to his hip and starts pulling him in in time with his small thrusts, making them bigger. Longer. Making Isak’s dick go further into his mouth every time. And every now and then Even moans around him, like he’s enjoying this too. </p><p> </p><p>Eyes still closed, Isak feels it when Even’s hand moves from his dick and down to his balls, his mouth now doing all the work. Isak still hasn’t looked, he knows he’ll come the second he does. Yet, even with his eyes closed, Even’s lips around him are all he can envision. And so it takes him off guard, in the best way, when Even’s fingers make their way further behind his balls.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes fly open and he can’t help but tense up a little bit. His gaze finds Even’s immediately, looking up at him intently. Then there’s this moment where their eyes stay completely locked with each other as Even continues moving his fingers further back, in between Isak’s cheeks now. Isak feels his face heat up and his sight turns blurry as he breaks their eye contact again, for now. He feels Even’s gaze on him still, assessing, making sure it’s okay. And it is, of course it is. Isak’s breath quickens as Even’s fingers near their destination. In the end, only one of them makes it all the way and Isak gasps as it puts pressure on his hole, gently, obviously just to tease.</p><p> </p><p>Isak has never done this to himself, it had felt too weird or too gay for so long and when he had finally accepted himself and come out, it wasn’t something he considered trying anymore. Right now, a small part of him feels robbed as Even’s finger probes his hole again, adding levels of pleasure to his experience that Isak never even knew existed.</p><p> </p><p>His eyes fly open again, but he doesn’t have it in him anymore to focus on any particular thing in his vision. White noise is starting to build in his ears, and he stops trying to hold back.</p><p> </p><p>And that’s enough. His vision turns white and his breaths and broken moans disappear in the sea of noise flooding his ears as he tips over the edge. There’s a moment of panic that he never thought to warn Even, but it drowns in the midst of what feels like a thousand different attacks on his senses. For the longest time, it feels like he loses all track of anything outside of this shower. There’s nothing but this and them anywhere in the world. His orgasm goes on for a small eternity and by the end of it he’s barely standing up as Even’s still running his lips up and down his dick. Isak meets him with the smallest thrusts, shivering and moaning a little every time. His fingers release their grip on Even’s hair and move to caress Even’s face. His thumb catches in the crook of Even’s lips, feeling exactly where his dick disappears inside Even’s mouth there. He shivers violently and lets out a curse at the notion and Even hums appreciatively as a few drops more of Isak’s come spill into his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>Isak doesn’t tell Even to stop. It feels like he could keep doing this for hours. With every small push forward into Even’s mouth, he feels like he’s somehow still riding a small wave of his orgasm and as long as Even keeps going there’s no way Isak is gonna tell him to stop.</p><p> </p><p>Little by little, though, everything slows down. Even’s grip on Isak’s hip lessens and he moves both hands to his waist instead, seemingly getting ready to stand up again as he releases Isak’s dick with an obscene smacking sound. He then proceeds to rise the same way he got down, by kissing his way up Isak’s stomach and chest. Isak can’t even open his eyes, but the sensitivity of his skin makes his muscles contract briefly at Even’s every touch as he makes his way up to a standing position.</p><p> </p><p>Isak still breathes a little heavily. He’s still standing in the same position, one hand supporting him on the wall, the other barely holding on to Even’s shoulder now, as he rises. Even kisses his mouth again then and it’s the softest thing Isak has ever felt. Both their lips are so pliable now, it feels like they’re made exactly for each other. There’s hardly any effort behind it and it doesn’t feel like there needs to be. It’s just their lips meeting, sliding together, over and over in what feels like an endless moment.</p><p> </p><p>Their hands move and there’s no fumbling, no hesitation about who’s doing what. Even’s hands slide into place around Isak’s face and neck, and Isak’s fall down to Even’s waist.</p><p> </p><p>They look at each other, in between kisses, and every time the moment feels huge. Like they both realise what they just did and what it means. Isak knows they already knew, that they had established some of it, at least, before. Still, it feels different now.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you so much,” Even whispers as his lips graze Isak’s cheek and he pulls him into his arms for a long embrace. </p><p> </p><p>Again, the words make their way to the front of Isak’s mind and his post orgasm high vanishes as he feels them hit the same wall that was there earlier. He’s almost bursting with how much he wants to say it back. All he’s able to do is bury his face in Even’s neck and inhale as much of his smell that’s still there after this endless shower. </p><p> </p><p>“Me too.” </p><p> </p><p>He surprises himself by letting it escape his mouth. Though, it feels like he kind of made a compromise with himself. It felt good to say. He’s not sure Even heard it at first, as there was barely any sound to it, but then Even’s arms tighten around him half a second later, and he knows he did.</p><p> </p><p>*</p><p> </p><p>All cleaned up and, mostly, dry, they make themselves comfortable together on the couch in the living room and decide to watch a film on Even’s laptop. It’s a tight fit, but somehow, they manage to spoon, placing the screen on the table beside them. Even’s in front of Isak, controlling the computer, Isak is propped up on some pillows behind him so he can see. His arm falls around Even’s chest as they settle in, his head resting half on a pillow and half on his own hand supporting himself. It’s weird how natural this feels. They’ve sat close before, rested their heads together, even on occasion, held hands. But this is the first time they’ve spooned like this, like they’re <em>together.</em></p><p> </p><p>Isak closes his eyes and takes it in again. Probably not for the last time, he thinks. He registers that Even has started the film. He doesn’t know, or care, which one it is. It’s probably one of Even’s favourites that he likes to watch over and over again and so Isak is probably either not gonna understand any of it, or it’s gonna be so boring that he falls asleep. The perk of having Even in front of him is that he might not notice and scold him for not paying attention to the “masterpiece”, or one of the perks, at least.</p><p> </p><p>With his eyes closed, he can smell the faint smell of what he thinks is Even’s hair. Or it could be his sweater. It’s Even in any case, and Isak draws a slow, deep breath in through his nose, feeling like some kind of addict already as the smell makes every hair on his body stand and butterflies come alive in his stomach. It’s hard to believe it’s real. Still, Isak opens his eyes and lets his head rest fully on the pillow as it makes him able to smell Even’s hair directly. It does make the back of Even’s head block his view of the computer, but it feels inconsequential compared to what it gives him instead.</p><p> </p><p>“Can you see alright?” </p><p> </p><p>Even might not agree, though. Isak smiles at the thought and tries to sound as reassuring as possible when he mumbles his answer all the while closing his eyes again and tightening his arm around Even. He breathes him in deep again and he actually feels high when Even starts moving in front of him because he can’t keep up at all. Next thing he knows, Even’s facing him and laughing silently at the fact that he caught Isak lying.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, I could feel your breath on my neck, so unless your face had suddenly become a different shape all together, that had to be a lie. You’re not as subtle as you think.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak isn’t even embarrassed, but he still rolls his eyes in fake annoyance.</p><p> </p><p>“Fine. But it’s your fault for smelling so good.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s impossible not to smile, especially when Even beams with happiness the way he does. How anyone, or anything, could not be affected by it, Isak is certain he will never understand.</p><p> </p><p>Even kisses him again then, and isak is quickly overwhelmed with how much love he feels for him in that moment. Automatically, he pours it into the kiss, and the next one too, willing Even to feel it as well. Isak pulls him in closer with the arm that’s still resting on Even’s torso, thinking this is what they’ll be doing for a while. However, Even pulls back way too soon and Isak watches him try to get comfortable in this new position in a bit of a daze. He reaches for Even’s neck when he’s finally settled some and starts running his fingers through Even’s hair above and behind his ear. Their legs entwine, on their own it feels like. Or maybe Even does it, Isak’s not really paying attention. </p><p> </p><p>He wants to say it now, again. It’s made its way to the tip of his tongue once more, only this time Isak has latched on to it before it could run away in fear. There’s a determination in him to say it now that wasn’t there earlier. His eyes shift between what he’s doing with his hand and the ocean that is Even’s eyes. Blue, they’re so incredibly blue. It has always been Isak’s favourite colour, this shade of blue that he’s only ever found in Even’s eyes. </p><p> </p><p>He had lied earlier. It had been so easy, so rehearsed. He’s become so accustomed to that rule of never admitting to anything that could potentially reveal how he really feels. </p><p> </p><p>“I can almost hear your thoughts, they’re so loud.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak is pulled back into his body by Even’s voice. The statement is so careful, it’s almost a whisper, barely any sound. Just enough to bring him back. Then Even takes his hand in his and kisses it before intertwining their fingers in between their bodies.</p><p> </p><p>“I promise, you don't have to worry about that. About saying that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know, but I want to. I just-,” Isak shakes his head like he’s exhausted with himself. Which is true.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I can tell,” Even smiles, “and that’s why it’s okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak exhales and relaxes a bit more than before. Even though it was never really about it being okay for Even, it’s nice to know he doesn’t mind waiting for it. He continues to mindlessly run his fingers through Even’s hair like before and they stay quiet for a minute or two. Isak loves how natural and easy everything still feels between them, maybe even more so now that they’ve talked through everything. Or, at least, the big things. </p><p> </p><p>“So, what was it?” Isak asks, glancing briefly into Even’s eyes before continuing to play with his hair. He can feel Even’s confused gaze, but he still waits for him to ask.</p><p> </p><p>One. Two. Three. Four. Five.</p><p> </p><p>“What was what?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak smiles.</p><p> </p><p>“What made you decide to kiss me? What made you go for it?”</p><p> </p><p>Even smiles too then and takes a long sigh before turning on his back, as much as he can given the tiny amount of space. It’s enough to make Isak’s hand slide out of his hair and so, instead, he starts playing with Even’s chin and jaw bone. He brings his index finger to Even’s bottom lip and touches it gently, pulls at it carefully until it pops back up again. He does it a few more times, watching mesmerised as Even accommodates him by opening up his mouth just a little. Even then licks his lips at one point and Isak has to kiss him. He doesn’t even decide, it just happens. They’re more experimental kisses now, than passionate. Isak is hyper aware of how it feels when their lips touch. How softly they mold together like they’re made for each other. Isak can’t believe he gets to do this now. These lips that have been on his mind almost every single day for several years now. Finally they’re his to kiss. He tries a few different angles to see if it feels differently and Even lets him.</p><p> </p><p>After a final, deep, sensual kiss, with tongue, that makes Even moan in what Isak thinks is both surprise and joy, Isak pulls back.</p><p> </p><p>“So, what was it?”</p><p> </p><p>It takes Even a moment to catch up and it makes Isak smile widely as he waits, impatiently, for his reply. Even rolls his eyes and sighs again.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, okay,” he starts, looking like he’s building up courage. “Do you remember, back when we were like, seven or eight? Or I was, you were younger ofcourse,” he teases and Isak rolls his eyes. “You asked me about that green ball that I always carried with me?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak nods.</p><p> </p><p>“And I told you about how it was my thing to remind me about my mom since her eyes had been green as well. And how I could see her picture in my mind whenever I saw something green and so I always had that ball with me to remind me of her and to see her whenever I wanted or needed to.”</p><p> </p><p>Even turns his body towards Isak again, runs his hand through Isak’s hair once before settling in and continuing.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess, over the years, the meaning of it changed a bit for me. Or, not changed, really, more like it started including you too.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak feels warmth spreading through his chest at Even’s words, he hadn’t expected this when he had asked his question. Even’s smiling at him a little. A careful smile, like he’s also assessing Isak's reaction to it.</p><p> </p><p>“I think I was around ten when I noticed the green in your eyes for the first time. It was that time we camped in your backyard, remember?”</p><p> </p><p>It hadn’t been the only time they had camped in Isak’s backyard, but it had been the last time. That had made it special somehow, and so they always refer to it as ‘that time they camped in Isak’s backyard’. Isak never knew it had meant more than that to Even. He nods again, nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>“I remember we were sitting together under the blankets and you had that flashlight under your face to try and look scary.” Even laughs a little at the memory and reaches out to brush something off of Isak’s shoulder, diverting his gaze from Isak’s as he continues. “And it made your pupils contract, showing so much more of your irises, and I remember wondering how I’d never seen it before for the longest time because after that I saw it every single time I looked at you.”</p><p> </p><p>Even meets his eyes again and Isak feels like he’s gonna burst with how much this is making him feel. His heart is beating faster and there are five hundred thousand butterflies wreaking havoc in his stomach. </p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t think that much about what it meant, but that’s when it started, from then on I always associated green with you as well.”</p><p> </p><p>There's a pause then, in which Isak wonders whether Even’s ever going to continue. He’s so entranced by Even’s voice and words, he feels like he could listen to him talk forever.</p><p> </p><p>“So you’re saying you’ve been planning this since you were ten?” He teases when the pause stretches on for too long. His impatience is, luckily, rewarded with a small chuckle, an eye roll, and Even continuing.</p><p> </p><p>“No, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while,” he admits, glancing briefly into Isak’s eyes again, smiling. “It just never felt like a good time, you know? Or the right time? I don’t know,” he chuckles again. “Eventually I started looking for signs from you, signs that you still felt the same, or other kinds, like, from the universe or something.” </p><p> </p><p>There’s a pause again, shorter than the last.</p><p> </p><p>“Earlier, in the meadow, when I asked you about your favourite colour?”</p><p> </p><p>Isak hums, feeling his face warmup a little as he thinks about the lie he’d responded with.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ve been thinking about it before we came here, that I should just tell you while we’re here because, you know, it just makes sense? We’re alone, we have time. No interruptions. Plus I have the car keys, so you can’t run off.” Even winks and Isak chuckles. “But I still felt like I needed something, some reassurance that it was going to be okay.” </p><p> </p><p>Isak’s mind is racing as Even talks, going over everything they’ve done since they came here with new eyes. Knowing what he knows now makes so much of it different. At the same time his eyes are glued to Even’s face in the present, seeing how happy he looks while talking about this. A little shy here and there, but the good kind, the beautiful kind.</p><p> </p><p>“So, I asked you what your favourite colour is because I made a deal with myself that if your answer was blue, like my eyes are, then that would have to mean something, right? And then that would be my sign that I had to tell you.”</p><p> </p><p>For a long moment, Isak imagines how today could have gone if it had happened the way Even had planned. Would they still have argued? Would they still have ended up in the shower together? It seems likely either way. Now that they’re here, it feels like it has been kind of inevitable. </p><p> </p><p>“And for some reason, I was so sure it was gonna happen that way. I was so sure you were gonna say ‘blue’, that you took me completely off guard by saying you didn’t know. My whole plan went to shit.” Even’s eyes are shining with amusement now, he looks on the verge of laughing and he does a little, or more like chuckles. Isak mimics him out of habit, but on the inside he’s feeling more and more like telling Even the truth.</p><p> </p><p>“And then the rain happened. So, yeah.”</p><p> </p><p>“But you still kissed me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I still kissed you.”</p><p> </p><p>Even’s voice is a mere whisper by the end of that sentence. His gaze drops to Isak’s lips then and his hand reaches for Isak’s neck as he closes the barely there distance between their lips and kisses him gently a few times. Isak closes his eyes and just lets himself feel it. His hand circles Even’s wrist and he caresses his skin softly with his thumb as they kiss. He wonders how long it’ll feel like this. How long the butterflies in his stomach will rejoice and celebrate just by having Even in his presence. It still feels unreal somehow and he opens his eyes briefly to make sure it’s not.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a long moment, when Even pulls back again, where they stay silenced and just take each other in. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m glad you did. Finally.” Isak pokes Even and makes the last word a tiny jab at him for waiting so long, but it’s lighthearted and it makes Even chuckle and concede with fake annoyance.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I’m sorry.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know.”</p><p> </p><p>They both smile then and it feels nice to be able to joke about it a little. It’s not the end of the world that it took them a while to figure it out and Isak doesn’t want to spend his time being bitter about it now that they’re finally here.</p><p> </p><p>“It still worries me a little.” Even suddenly says, quietly, and Isak can see that he’s nervous to bring, whatever it is, up.</p><p> </p><p>“What does?”</p><p> </p><p>“Us.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak frowns and blinks.</p><p> </p><p>“What?”</p><p> </p><p>“Or what the ‘us’ can do to us, if that makes sense?”</p><p> </p><p>At first it doesn’t, but then-.</p><p> </p><p>“You mean what you can do. Is this about the bipolar again?”</p><p> </p><p>Even doesn’t reply except for a guilty look on his face and Isak sighs heavily and rolls his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Even!” He whines then.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I’m sorry! It’s just-, you can’t say it’s not an issue, because it is. It’s always gonna be part of me and I’m worried about what can happen.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak sighs again, for a completely different reason, and reaches out to run his fingers through Even’s hair.</p><p> </p><p>“I get that.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m worried I’m gonna push you away or that I’m gonna hurt you.” Even looks at Isak's chest while he’s speaking, then he closes his eyes like it’s too much to keep them open. “I’m worried I’m gonna make you hate me.” Isak shakes his head in protest, but Even doesn't see it. “What if this ruins us? Or what if-”</p><p> </p><p>Isak puts his thumb on Even’s lips to make him stop, making him open his eyes. Then he shakes his head again, making sure Even sees this time.</p><p> </p><p>“I understand why you’re worried,” Isak starts, “and I’m not gonna say it’s not an issue, okay? But you’re talking about this as if I don’t already know you. I do.”</p><p> </p><p>One. Two. Three. Four. Five.</p><p> </p><p>When Even doesn’t say anything, he continues.</p><p> </p><p>“I know it’ll be hard sometimes, but it already is, isn’t it? I mean, all of the things you’re mentioning now, you’ve already done them to me in one way or another.”</p><p> </p><p>That makes Even look away again.</p><p> </p><p>“Except the part where you make me hate you, because that’s not gonna happen. If there’s anything I can promise you 100% it’s that. I’ll never hate you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t believe me?” Isak asks when Even doesn’t look convinced. “Do you think you could ever hate me?”</p><p> </p><p>Even rolls his eyes and Isak can tell what he’s thinking so easily ‘It’s not the same’, but Isak stares him down anyway, waiting impatiently for his reply.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” he admits reluctantly.</p><p> </p><p>“I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna be Mr. Perfect and you’re the only one who’s gonna mess up. Honestly, I think we’re pretty much tied in that area anyway.” Isak chuckles a little and it makes Even at least attempt a smile.</p><p> </p><p>“And anyway, I’m still here, I still want this. Because I know you won’t mean it when you push me away, I know you’ll hate yourself for hurting me. Just like you know the same things about me.”</p><p> </p><p>Even looks deep in thought, but Isak can tell he’s gotten through to him. At least on some level, and that makes him really happy.</p><p> </p><p>“And,” he continues, “what’s really gonna change between us, when you think about it? Except what we just did in the shower.”</p><p> </p><p>Finally those half moons that Even’s eyes become when he genuinely smiles appear again and Isak’s heart swells at being the cause of it.</p><p> </p><p>“We’re still gonna hang out every day. You’re still gonna wake me up at 09:00 on the weekend and make me yell at you until you get me coffee and some food. Except now maybe we wake up together and instead of coffee, you give me a blow job.” </p><p> </p><p>Isak shrugs like blow jobs is a thing they’ve done and talked about a thousand times before. Even’s smile grows wider, infecting Isak as well.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Even almost whispers and leans in closer. “I’ll give you all the blow jobs you want.”</p><p> </p><p>They giggle and kiss as Even wraps his hand around Isak’s waist and pulls him in even closer. Just a few sweet kisses before pulling back again. It grows quiet between them then. Isak keeps stroking Even’s hair and Even plays with the string of Isak’s hoodie.</p><p> </p><p>“I have a confession,” Isak says after a little while. He looks Even in the eyes for a few seconds, gauging the openness there, the curiosity, before locking his gaze back on his hair. Parts of him already backtracking, scouring his mind for a way to take it back, or trying to think of a lie to tell that won’t expose him. Isak shuts it all down.</p><p> </p><p>“That time,-” he starts, and pauses briefly to draw the breath he’d forgotten he’d need for this. “That time you told me about the green, about why it was so important to you. That was important to me. Or it meant something. Maybe not right there, at the time, but later. I remember being very aware of green things because I knew they made you happy. And I remember that you telling me about your mom’s eye colour made me notice your eye colour. And I think that was the first time any colour made me feel something when I looked at it.”</p><p> </p><p>Even has gone completely still. Anticipation, Isak thinks. He thinks Even knows where this is going. Every time Isak dares to glance at his face, Even’s eyes bore into him and he has to look away again. </p><p> </p><p>“Sometimes I’d wonder about what that meant, you know, since you had such a huge reason for loving green. It made me wonder what it meant that I-,” The word gets stuck in his throat and he swallows briefly before finishing. “That blue had become so important to me.”</p><p> </p><p>He glances back to Even’s face, a part of him desperate to know if he has noticed, if it has hurt him that Isak still finds it too hard to say that word, even when it’s not directly about Even. He finds no clues about it in his eyes. Instead there’s still that curiosity, that openness, inviting him to continue.  </p><p> </p><p>“Looking back at it now, I feel like I should have realised how I felt about you a lot sooner,” he chuckles. “I mean, the signs were all there, even from before that time we ran away together.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak pauses then. Not for any particular reason, other than that it feels natural. He plays with Even’s hair a bit, putting it behind his ear neatly and then ruffling it a little after to make it fall naturally again. If Even grows impatient, he doesn’t show it.</p><p> </p><p>“But the point is,” he says, continuing like the pause never happened, “that I wasn’t being honest with you earlier in the meadow.”</p><p> </p><p>His eyes flicker between Evens, his gaze a bit unsteady. It’s important that Even knows how much he means this. How important it feels to say it.</p><p> </p><p>“You were right in assuming my favourite colour is blue because it is. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when you asked.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak knows it’s not going to bother Even, or make him sad or upset. He also knows Even understands why he kept quiet about it earlier today. He doesn’t need Even to confirm it with words, but it still feels nice to see that small smile and the warmth shining from his eyes, giving him that confirmation anyway.</p><p> </p><p>They stay quiet for a bit again then. Isak pulls his hand back from Even’s hair and lets it rest in between their bodies. It takes five seconds for Even to reach for it and intertwine their fingers. Isak looks at him again. His smile growing more and more with each passing second, each caress of their fingers.</p><p> </p><p>“You love blue.” Even says looking all proud and like the happiest person in the world. In that way that only Even is able to.</p><p> </p><p>It fills Isak with warmth, to the point where it feels completely uncontainable and the only way to make room for it is by showing it on his face. He briefly wonders if this is how Even feels whenever his eyes crinkle and shine like they so often do. He knows, with every cell in his body, that he’s never felt exactly like this before. It’s like he just leveled up somehow. Or maybe they both did? He’s not sure, but something inside of him feels like it has snapped into place. His smile feels bigger, and so does his heart.</p><p> </p><p>“I do.” </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fuck it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“And you.”</p><p> </p><p>The world disappears a little and there’s only Even’s face to keep his focus for the next few seconds. His heart beats a little bit quicker and he knows he’s unable to keep his insecurities off of his face. He feels his smile lessen, even though he tries so hard to keep it in place. For Even.</p><p> </p><p>Because Even stops smiling altogether then, and he reaches for Isak with his free hand. He places it on the side of Isaks face and lets his thumb trace Isak’s cheekbone gently while he stares and stares into his eyes. They both know it’s the closest Isak has come to saying it and Even probably thinks it’s as close as it’s going to get for a while.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>It feels like he said it too loudly, even though it was in his normal tone of voice. It feels like he should have whispered it instead. Like it’s too important to say as casually as he just did. But then it’s all about Even’s reaction. Isak doesn’t even manage to count the seconds this time, it’s all about what Even’s next words are gonna be and it takes for-fucking-ever for anything to happen.</p><p> </p><p>But then Even’s gaze drops down to Isak’s lips for a moment and then back up again to his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck, you just made me really hard again.”</p><p> </p><p>Isak would have rolled his eyes, only he’s too stunned to do much at all except return Even’s gaze.</p><p> </p><p>And then they both laugh a little, then kiss a little. Then maybe they watch the movie, or maybe Isak gets to give his first BJ? Maybe they fall asleep holding each other, maybe they talk some more about the big things, or small things. Like, whose parents they’re gonna tell first. Or how annoying it’s gonna be to tell some of their friends who’ve been suggesting they get together for years. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe six months later they decide to get a flat together. Maybe all their friends help them move in and it’s the best day in their lives until then. Maybe it’s even better when everyone leaves and it’s only the two of them in their own place for the first time. Maybe that night is the best sex they’ve ever had.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe two years later they get a puppy and name her Satine (from Moulin Rouge). Maybe Isak tries to be strict about her sleeping in their bed with them, only to give in after a week. Maybe he’ll roll his eyes and pretend he’s annoyed still, when secretly he loves it just as much as Even does. Maybe one time, Even comes home from a late shift and finds Isak asleep in their bed, snuggling close to Satine like she’s the most precious thing in the world to him. Maybe that’s when Even realises how lucky they are to have gotten their shit together when they did. Maybe that’s when he realises it’s time to buy a ring.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe there are tough times too. Maybe they can fight as intensely as they love each other sometimes. Maybe neither one of them wants to burden the other with their problems, and so they both bury stuff until it pops up like a champagne cork. Only less exciting, maybe. Maybe it’s well meaning, but somehow still feels like mistrust. Maybe they spend some nights apart as a result and then feel so bad about it that they promise to never do it again. Until next time.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe they get married quietly, only close friends and family. Maybe in the meadow by the cabin, in summer. Maybe the sky breaks and rain starts pouring down on them just as they’ve said they do. Maybe the priest barely has time to pronounce them husbands before running off for shelter. Maybe they don’t even notice. Maybe they don’t even care. Maybe they just smile and stare and then kiss as the rain soaks them to their skin.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you for reading! </p><p>I have to thank my best cheerleader <a href="https://wecanjustbreathe.tumblr.com/">wecanjustbreathe</a> again for holding my hand almost every step of the way. I would not have written as much as I have during the last few years if it wasn't for you. I'm so happy you came into my life, I don't think you realise how much you've enriched it!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>